Go to sleep my baby, ahh! For the last ten months I have been of the view that I can't let Eva cry in her cot to get herself to sleep cos that would be the worst thing in the world to me. So she hasn't napped and used to sleep right through the night but she's always shattered and EVERYONE comments on how tired she looks. Motherhood is hard, I am torn as to what to do with her, she won't sleep if we go out in the pram. I have walked for up to four hours and she still wont sleep. This is with the hood down and she's all covered up so she's not being extra stimulated. The only way to get her to nap is in the car and that just isn't feasible on a daily basis for naps. I have fed her to sleep on the mattress on the floor and I leave when she falls asleep but for the last few months she wakes right up again minutes later and is crawling about the floor!

So, we put one of our smaller sofas in her room so I could feed her there, then when she was full put her in the cot and she would fall asleep, right? Most of the time this has worked actually, I will put my hand on her chest so she knows I'm there and it helps her relax. However there are then the times, like today, when she is over tired and will just scream and scream and scream. So far its been for half an hour. Sometimes she won't sleep at all like this, she will just cry for hours and hours. Hopefully today isn't one of those days. I think I just have a very emotional baby and I can't even soothe her because the only thing that will work is the magic word - sleep. Even then, though she sleeps for an hour Eva will wake up crying. Its heart breaking, is she ever getting a good sleep?

God, this is hard! I feel so tense but I honestly feel there is nothing left that I can try. She has to learn to do this herself. I have to learn to leave her and keep up the routine.

I have had this post saved for ages not sure if I wanted to share or not. Today is crunch day. I am ready to let the world in on our journey.

Martin and Brigid's Baby Bump

I remember telling my friends and family all about how much Martin and I couldn't wait to become parents and we were ready now, since our loss in 2007. By my reckoning, and also because I was working out when I was ovulating, we got pregnant on either the 2nd, 3rd or 4th of February. Then I tested positive for the first time on Saturday the 18th of Feb, and again on Sunday. I kept it quiet even from Martin because I'd had so many false alarms and I also didn't want to jynx it.

I couldn't help myself on the Monday though, and during my college lunch hour I drove to Tesco and bought a sleepsuit which I then presented to Martin that evening.

He was so happy and couldn't believe the good news! I had an appointment with Dr De Burgh on the Tuesday, I sat there smiling while she told me my fertility test for the spike in the hormone after I'd ovulated was good and we should progress to the next step now... I burst out "I am pregnant!" She made the necessary arrangements for me to attend the haemotolgy obstetric department to get our first ultrasound, and, provided it was positive, I would begin taking heparin injections to prevent blood clots.

Our first ultrasound was on the 7th of March and at that stage they considered me to be 6 weeks pregnant with a due date of the 25th of October 2012. At this stage we told my Mum, Martin's Mum and Dad, but no-one else because we got to the 12 week stage before and found there was no heartbeat. The amniotic sac had continued growing but the foetus had stopped at around 6 weeks, so we were erring on the side of caution with this one and taking it totally easy. I remember my first appointment to see Sally the midwife on the 2nd of April, and I broke down in tears I just didn't want to lose another baby but all we could do was play the waiting game.

Bump Shots

I had to begin taking bump shots as I was desperate to track our baby's progress and keep track of how big I was getting. Prepare yourself, these pictures are graphic! Martin reluctantly began taking pictures this early because I wanted to.

Martin began taking pictures when we got to 8 weeks, above is the first!

There's me at 9 weeks, not much difference yet, excuse the attractive dressing gown, P.S those pyjama bottoms are sooo stretched now!

Our 12 Week Ultrasound

We had our 12 week scan at Roodlands on the 9th of April and we were so nervous, I really expected to see the same thing again but the sonographer so nonchalantly began pointing out little body parts and the heart etc and Martin and I just had huge smiles on our faces! It was at this point she said that we were actually 13 weeks exactly and the due date was now the 22nd of October - the day after my birthday! What a coincidence if this was the case! What a little wriggler baby was, wouldn't sit still and the poor woman had to keep getting me to twist and turn to get the little one in position, I thought this was hilarious and it was at this stage I began thinking of how he/she would be outside the womb! Also, we got to the exciting stage of finally telling everyone which was such a relief!

on its back

on its belly

facing away!

Back to bump shots

By 13 weeks I could see the beginning of a little baby bump! Can you?

14 weeks - really getting to see a teeny tiny bump now.

Check it out 15 weeks and man I am tired here - can see a slight belly bruise from the heparin too! Excuse me not wearing a bra, boobs were soo sore, though luckily I never had any morning sickness!

16 weeks pregnant - cot behind me, I was so organised, I had the pram bought by then - thanks to Martins nana and pupa, cot bought by my mum.

16 weeks 3 days pregnant.

Daddy cutting logs - poor guy working so hard and getting us prepared for the Winter - lol this was May!

18 weeks - baby bump showing more now.

19 weeks - by this point we had painted and decorated every room in the house, I was nesting on a grand scale here! I needed everything to be perfect for this little one, even the coffee table behind me got a revamp. I had basically set fire to it before with a candle which left a black ring in the centre so I sanded it down and varnished it.

20 weeks - third scan

Found the 3rd scan to be the most detailed of course as we were now at 20 weeks. We had the same sonographer at Roodlands again on the 4th of June and we were anxious to find out the gender of our baby, all she could say was that she couldn't see any boy parts. We were both happy and felt blessed either way, and had names picked out for a boy but not a girl which made the next few weeks difficult. Eventually we settled on Eva the anglicised version of the Irish Aoifa meaning little fire, and of course Aidan, also meaning little fire. I figured they will either have red hair and we know this baby is very active and will literally need a field to run about in!

Bump pic

me at 20 weeks - we were still moving things back to their new places, wardrobes now in the living room due to the limited space we had and baby cot in the bedroom. Here it is finished and ready for a little one.

As soon as we had decorated our bedroom became a cat free zone, we were both sick of Midnight and Maggie at our heads in the morning, or biting our feet if they didn't get fed in time.

B.A.B.Y soap from my Mum, now taking pride of place in our redecorated blue bathroom!

Here I am 23 weeks and 3 days we were getting prepared and getting lots of things from everyone, behind us we had sorted various baby things into sizes 0-3, 3-6 etc and this was one of the ones that needed washed, my latest fetish! Everything baby needed washed, and not just once..

26 weeks - starting to spread out when we took pictures and I regret this.

28 weeks and four days - I was feeling really unattractive here stretch marks were blooming!

29 weeks and 5 days here - I felt tired, and fat :(

29 weeks and 6 days - this was a good day because we went to the Falls of Dochart as a spur of the moment day trip.

Martin and me at the falls of Dochart.

30 weeks and 4 days here and showing it eh!
Lets have a look at the growth so far...

Real growth happening!

32 weeks and 4 days - I just grew so much this week I couldn't quite believe it.

33 weeks and 5 days!

Others

the finished cot and my Mum's homemade baby mobile

here it is up close

had to print this beautiful baby poem out for my little one.

h is for horse - bought these cute bibs

pacifier thanks to my friend Lorraine! Ummm, I am not sure if baby is getting this!

Love these little sheepskin boots!

Bump Shots

OOTD @ 34 weeks and 5 days

34 weeks and 5 days

35 weeks 4 days

36 weeks 4 days - not sure if I have grown?

37 weeks 4 days! Come on BABY!!!

I'm a comfy cat pillow

38 weeks 4 days

38 weeks 5 days

Pregnancy Photography

Martin and I asked my friend Emma to take some pregnancy pictures of us so we could have them for a keep sake. Here are some of my favourites that I thought I would share! Oh and I was 37 weeks and 2 days here!