Monday, 14 October 2013

Knocked Up

I miss being pregnant. For all the miserable moment I had with PGP and everything else, at the end of the day I enjoyed feeling pregnant. Like I was cocooning this little life inside me and preparing it for the outside world, such a comforting feeling. As soon as Eva was born I felt empty, and from then on it was such a scary, lump in your throat anxiety because your heart is no longer inside your body but outside of you where you can't really 100% look after it anymore. This baby girl was the embodiment of my love, and for all those who didn't understand my 'over-protectiveness' - this is my best explanation for it. Even when my family came to visit Eva and I in hospital I couldn't let anyone hold her. I feel bad about this now but at the time she was like a physical limb just severed from me and I had an ache and a fear that I couldn't explain to anyone. I had this perfect little baby angel in my arms from then on.
Now, Eva is going to be one in a weeks time. I feel confident I have allowed her to find her independence on her own, I have always held her closely and allowed her to experience the world at her own pace and not forced her to be on her own. It was always an instictive thing this mothering experience, and my god I have felt the worst anxiety this past year, like I didn't think it was possible.

However I am finding space in my heart, and a certain yearning to add to my family. It took us a long time to conceive with Eva. A whole 5 years after our first loss. I found the only way to try was to be more relaxed and approach life with a more holistic approach.

All through my pregnancy I meditated daily and used aromatherapy to relax, instead of the usual glass bottle of wine I was accustomed to. My intention was to have a hypnobirth and try and manage labour without any 'pain relief'. Unfortunately, because my waters broke on Friday the 19th and my contractions hadn't begun in earnest, the hospital I attended thought it would be safer to induce me on the evening of the 20th. At 10pm the process began and at 6.04am I gave birth to Eva. I have already forgotten the pain, which I had never tried to anticipate anyway as I wanted to relax and find a space in my head to go to and breathe through. But it didn't work and I had gas and air when I was 6cm dilated and I think dihydrocodeine. Other than that I don't think I had anything else. (correct me if I'm wrong, but I hadn't slept for days since my waters broke and to be honest medication wasn't my main concern)

Toward the end of my labour, when I began pushing I was so concerned I was going to lose this baby. I had it in my head that what I felt was similair to my miscarriage and I just thought that I was never going to be blessed with a child. Thank God everything went ok. I pushed with all my strength and after half an hour Eva was in my arms at 6.04am on the 21st of October 2012. My 26th birthday, the best most appropriate day for a birthday, ever.

I am feeling properly emotional this week and it feels good to get it out! I am so happy I have my little baby girl, and still so sad for my loss. So glad I have the love of family and friends.

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