Wednesday, 26 March 2014

17 Weeks Pregnant with Second Baby

Today I reach 17 weeks pregnant! This is the 2nd week of the 4th month.  I am so glad to have reached this milestone. Unfortunately, my mother in law suffered a miscarriage with her second child in her 16th week of pregnancy so I always worry it will happen to me. It may seem like paranoia to some but I see it as a pattern and it really does seem silly now as I write it but thank god its over and were here now.

Developments this week! 

I got a bump when I reached 16+3 days pregnant. I had felt some big round ligament pains that day and that night I looked in the mirror at this high bump. This is happening a little later than I had with Eva, maybe my pelvic cavity is bigger? Haha, I honestly do not know!

On Monday, Eva took a big jump on my lower abdomen and I have been feeling pains since then. They go away at times but come back. I don't blame her, though the thought did cross my mind and straight off I checked Dr. Google to see if this could cause miscarriage as bearing in mind I was sure this was going to happen this last week. Anyway baby bean is so well protected in there nothing could happen unless it accompanied bleeding or discharge, neither of which I have had. So I can only attribute the pains to the major growth that is happening in there right now.

We are all going on a trip to Silverstone race track in England this Friday. I bought Martin a voucher for his birthday last year and he has only now gotten round to getting it organised. We are staying on a working farm which I thought was great so Eva could see all the animals and we could go on walks there. I am so looking forward to it.

Monday, 17 March 2014

15 Weeks Pregnant with Second Baby

My midwife friend brought round a Doppler for me to use for the rest of my pregnancy, we spent some time there getting baby to move while my other baby sleeps in her cot. I feel better about all of this now. I keep putting myself down for my feelings which is not helpful at all. I think allowing myself to post about our breastfeeding journey makes what is happening ok and not more negative than it needs to be or anything else than it is.

What I wanted to share today and put down in history for me to check back on later is my pregnancy journey so far.

I found out I was expecting on Friday the 27th, after my period didn't come when it was due to on Christmas Eve. I took another test a day later because I had a small bleed, nothing to worry about really as it wasn't a huge quantity, but enough to make me worry. Worry a lot, pretty much until my 12 week scan. Now the pregnancy came as a surprise because with Eva we tried for 5 years. This time it obviously took a lot less but my doctor had told me previously that once your body knows what its doing it will be easier to get pregnant again.
I took four tests, all were positive thankfully!

We had an early scan when I was 8 weeks pregnant which was a relief as according to the stats, meant that the pregnancy was 97% viable. They dated me at being due the 4th of September, which was exactly what I tracked it at from my last missed period, and my periods in general. I had so much pain either from implantation or god knows what. When I was 11weeks pregnant I called the EPU and they scanned me to make sure I wasn't miscarrying, it was nice to know that wasn't what was happening but they were still at a loss to the cause of my lower abdominal pain. I saw a gynaecologist who ruled out prolapsed uterus and gave me antibiotics to clear up any thrush that might be causing it. I do remember the sonographer had told me that I had a tilted uterus, but it wasn't until weeks later when I researched it further that I found this was 100% the cause for my pain!

My 12 week scan gave me a new due date of the 3rd of September, which was nice to be a day ahead and meant I could finally chill out from worrying and we could share the news with everyone. Oh so glad for that day.

So for now I am too shy to share bump pictures as I have a total mummy tummy from my last pregnancy and I think I am slower in forming a bump this time. My midwife friend said that some second time mums do find they get a bump later as their muscles have stretched from previous labours so means the womb stays in a lower position for longer, which is not nice as I am needing to pee so frequently as it is so please baby move up already! Anyone have experience of this?

As of this Wednesday I will be 16 weeks pregnant, which I am excited about as it means we can find the gender out if we want to. What do you think??
I'd like to hold off until the 20 week scan and if they can't find anything go for a private gender scan then. It really isn't far off at all as days fly by now with Eva here so I think I can manage!

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Our BF journey continued

Breastfeeding Through Pregnancy

I spoke before about our breastfeeding journey and I needed to share my latest goals.

I had intended to breastfeed Eva for AT LEAST 2 years, and I am really upset because pregnancy has gotten in the way of my goal. I never thought for a minute that pregnancy would affect my milk supply or make Eva reluctant to nurse. I am continuing on, despite lack of support from my midwife or any breastfeeding group.

hugging bunny while nursing

EVERYONE tells me 16 months is a really long time and I have done so great already in nursing my daughter. In my mind, this doesn't cut it. I have failed my daughter in my eyes, I intended to let her wean naturally because of all the benefits that go with it, and this is what is happening but at an accelerated rate because of pregnancy. She has become more clingy in other ways and her independent nature is all but gone. I used to hate how independent she was at groups or at softplay, but now she won't let me leave her at softplay, even if I have just sat down at the table to have a drink or something! I can imagine some people would find this behaviour normal, but I attribute this new stage to her waning interest in nursing. She knows there is change afoot.

Physically, my breasts have dropped 4 cup sizes and my milk is gone. From about 6 -12 weeks we were only dry nursing for a minute before bed each night. This was toe curling agony for me but I was desperate to continue for everything mentioned above. I cannot lose this bond with my baby, I have sat in tears because of it, probably because of hormones anyway but I am so angry about it! Still, we continued and I now have colostrum, Eva has started audibly swallowing again but after a couple of minutes she's done. We have had issues with improper latch since the dry nursing stage and I still don't think this is corrected.

On to my cries for help. I called my midwife up in tears, she had seemed really nice and approachable when I first met her. She told me, "Maybe Eva is telling you she doesn't want to breastfeed anymore and this is her weaning. You have done a great job going this far, why are you so upset about it?"

I asked her if we could attend the breastfeeding group which we have never gone to before because it falls right in the middle of Eva's usual nap time. The midwife told me, this was only for babies who are under 6 months not seasoned breastfeeders like me.

I cannot ever go to the La Leche League again because of a really bad previous experience there. Though I have posted on their Facebook page. Some of their members responded and said the journey of breastfeeding in pregnancy has its trails and tribulations but to be open to your child's needs and continue to offer feeds, they maybe will not nurse for a while but then often come back to it when the new baby is born. Others have recommended some books to read but my library didn't have it and to be honest I was embarrassed asking.

I hate that this is not a common problem and people have more advice to give and would help emotionally when absolutely nobody understands what I am dealing with here. I feel an utter failure and I resent my unborn child at times, that's what this boils down to. Then I feel such guilt for thinking like that and try to make time to connect with my baby bean and I feel guilty for not tending to Eva, and so it goes. I want a way out of this spiral of thinking, but my little one is waking up and I can't finish my thought process on this subject today. My intention is still to tandem feed my babies however strange that might seem to some, I am sad to say that some of the judgements and comments cut me deep so much so I prefer not to share this part of my life with my friends or family but if anyone asks me that will be my reply.

Anyway, and advice or support is most welcome. I am so scared to go back to my midwife about this, or my gp or anyone else. Its like the less anybody knows about my hurt then the better. But today, I thought someone outside my circle must be able to help.